Its not all doom and gloom when you have a complex needs kiddo.
Today was sponsored by Mexican food and bowling! A family day out to ease tensions and cabin fever was just what we all needed - was there shouting? Yup definitely. Was there kids fighting? Oh heck was there.
Saying all of that though isn't the whole truth, there was a lot of laughter and high fives. For H this was his first foray into bowling and he loved it! He even had a happy dance when his ball hit a pin :-)
For R this was only the third time he's been bowling, and for someone who hates loud noises and vast crowds; he did fantastically! He even won the little tinker!
Doing something like this as a family is an ideal time to realise the good bits and the bits where you have all grown. For us it was the fact R was able to take turns, congratulate each of us on our scores and even admit (without a meltdown or tears) that he needed the barriers and slope thing to help him.
For us, as parents, it was sitting back and letting the boys do stuff for themselves. Things like R not needing us to hold the ball, shift the slope or take him to the toilet. Things like H telling us he needed the loo without wetting himself in the process. For them both to willingly try a new place and foods to eat, and behave whilst doing it all!
Was today hard? Or even easy? No way! it took planning and bribery to even leave the house! Was it worth it? Even with all the stress around crowds and H running off onto the lane? Oh hell yes it was!
Its not often we, or those who have complex needs kiddos, can get out to places like bowling, the cinema or a restaurant; when we do, we take full advantage of it and enjoy every little high and disregard the lows of that day. What there were lows? I can hear people ask!
Yes, every day has lows; some days more than others, but where there are lows there are highs. Todays were that H had his naughty pants on and felt the need to test every single boundary known to children! For once R felt the need to behave as expected when in public, remembering manners and doing as we asked when we asked it.
So, todays little tidbit - Always remember the high points to each day, no matter how small they are; and tell the world about them because who else will?
Tuesday 16 February 2016
Monday 15 February 2016
Half term ......
Yay! The first half term of 2016 has arrived and, you guessed it, it's started exactly the way it always does - fighting, screaming and the thinking chair being used! This happens every time there is a change in daily routine, and half terms are the very very worst for us, no matter how many days or weeks we prepare R for this week off.
The joys of having children - any children - is that during school holidays you get to have loads of fun together doing things you used to do every day before they turned 4 or 5 (depending on birthdays). I looked forward to making salt dough ornaments, painting pictures and generally craft type stuff when R was born.
He just wasn't interested. Sigh, so out came the football - that he loved! Still nothing but, what I thought were just tantrums (turns out to be meltdowns) because he wasn't going to school every day. Now came the fun bit - holiday club - 7.30am to 5.30pm every day and also before and after school was available if we so wanted. Upside was R got his routine even in school holidays and I got mummy and R time.
Downside - cost! It's blooming expensive having kids, especially when you pay for childcare!
In Norfolk, we don't have access to these type of things (we used to live on a military base), so dealing with school holiday fall out is hell - just like it is for the school the first 2 weeks back AFTER school holidays. Yup, that's how long it takes for R to adapt to new routines.
I am often heard saying to anyone who asks 'I wish they didn't have school holidays.' Or even 'I will be the first one back saying he's all yours!' This isn't me saying I don't want my son around but me saying that the fall out of the short holidays (like 1 week half terms) are more hard work for all involved, including R and H, than they are worth.
R has enough problems with learning without the added routine changes every half term and end of school year. No amount of warning, teaching or cajoling him into being cooperative, help us as a family.
We are lucky now that his current school are behind us 100% and even try things we do at home, at school. Not everyone is this lucky, and I want those parents, families and special stars (no matter what age!) that you are not alone! We have been in the same situations or at least some similar ones, my advice to anyone parenting a complex needs kiddo is plan plan plan and then follow the kiddos.
Plans can be remade, time with a happy playful kiddo can not be replaced. Does this mean we give in to R and his complex needs?
Sometimes yes we do! Just like all of us - he needs to be and us to be flexible. So chin up parents, day one is finished, therefore making school routine one day closer!
The joys of having children - any children - is that during school holidays you get to have loads of fun together doing things you used to do every day before they turned 4 or 5 (depending on birthdays). I looked forward to making salt dough ornaments, painting pictures and generally craft type stuff when R was born.
He just wasn't interested. Sigh, so out came the football - that he loved! Still nothing but, what I thought were just tantrums (turns out to be meltdowns) because he wasn't going to school every day. Now came the fun bit - holiday club - 7.30am to 5.30pm every day and also before and after school was available if we so wanted. Upside was R got his routine even in school holidays and I got mummy and R time.
Downside - cost! It's blooming expensive having kids, especially when you pay for childcare!
In Norfolk, we don't have access to these type of things (we used to live on a military base), so dealing with school holiday fall out is hell - just like it is for the school the first 2 weeks back AFTER school holidays. Yup, that's how long it takes for R to adapt to new routines.
I am often heard saying to anyone who asks 'I wish they didn't have school holidays.' Or even 'I will be the first one back saying he's all yours!' This isn't me saying I don't want my son around but me saying that the fall out of the short holidays (like 1 week half terms) are more hard work for all involved, including R and H, than they are worth.
R has enough problems with learning without the added routine changes every half term and end of school year. No amount of warning, teaching or cajoling him into being cooperative, help us as a family.
We are lucky now that his current school are behind us 100% and even try things we do at home, at school. Not everyone is this lucky, and I want those parents, families and special stars (no matter what age!) that you are not alone! We have been in the same situations or at least some similar ones, my advice to anyone parenting a complex needs kiddo is plan plan plan and then follow the kiddos.
Plans can be remade, time with a happy playful kiddo can not be replaced. Does this mean we give in to R and his complex needs?
Sometimes yes we do! Just like all of us - he needs to be and us to be flexible. So chin up parents, day one is finished, therefore making school routine one day closer!
Sunday 14 February 2016
Teaching manners and life skills.....
I have to admit, this is a pet peeve of mine. I was brought up with the ethos of 'Manners don't cost you anything' and its an ethos i am drilling into my boys.
Now, I thought with R the hardest part would be to get him to remember to say please and thank you - it hasn't been! He took to those words very very quickly from about 2-3 years old, and I kept getting told I was too strict with him over it and that he was a very polite little boy.
If he's in meltdown or just plain overwhelmed and getting angry and violent, the one thing that will always make you giggle, no matter how hard you try not to, is that all the way through he's constantly saying 'sorry' and 'thank you for this time mummy/daddy'. Its not necessarily what he saying but more when and how he's saying it. Sometimes us giggling over what he's said, whilst trying not to get kicked or hit, can actually break him out of his melt down - this doesn't work when he's overwhelmed and just can't process anything more.
H knows how to say please and thank you, he's only 3 years old - does he use them? Nope! I hate it and we try everything we can to encourage him to actually say the words. H uses it when it suits him and not us - but you know he's 3 and as long as he remembers when he goes to school, I can't really argue with it.
So far, you are probably thinking, 'ok this sounds like any kiddo, whats so different?'
Well in my experience, we have been lucky with R and his manners. Not every complex needs kiddo can talk or even comprehend please and thank you. This is because, as with any of us, their brains are wired ever so slightly differently. So what R can master, others may not and vice versa - for example table manners and social interaction.
H can use a knife safely, eat with a fork (even if he prefers his hands) and many other things R just can't seem to grasp for very long. Don't get me wrong here, R can use a knife safely and a fork but his brain just can't grasp how they work together, therefore making cutting up food and using the knife and fork to scoop foods up extremely difficult for him.
This can result in food times being long, drawn out and plain old painful times within our household. Mainly because we refuse to believe that he will not grasp the concepts at all. We trust that with belief that he can do things, he will. A bit like when our doctors told us to expect R to never read, write, attend mainstream schooling and to never be able to play football (and other fast moving games) - He's actually achieving all of these things because we never said he couldn't do them.
Social interaction, though is a completely different beast, and one we struggle immensely with every single day! From simple things like personal space to more complex things like why we don't show, talk and feel our private areas in public. Stranger danger is a concept he can repeat back to anyone who asks - verbatim - but he has no actual understanding of what this means beyond us teaching him. That is to say R understands whilst we explain what stranger danger is and what the problem is with speaking to others we don't know - once we stop speaking, it no longer registers in his brain as a lesson learnt.
So as with any kiddo this is a constant lesson plan for us to teach R (and H as he grows up). The problem with having complex needs is, you never know what sinks in and takes hold - and what doesn't! So if you ever see a parent, with a child who clearly looks old enough to grasp the lessons said parent is telling them (like road dangers for example), please bear in mind that they may have covered this lesson at least a dozen or more times by the point you see them.
Why not pop over and say you see them struggling, that you understand, that they are doing a good job or even ask if they is anything you can do or get to help them. Its a small kindness but one us parents of complex needs kiddos sometimes need - to know others see our struggles but know we are doing our very best for our kiddos.
Now, I thought with R the hardest part would be to get him to remember to say please and thank you - it hasn't been! He took to those words very very quickly from about 2-3 years old, and I kept getting told I was too strict with him over it and that he was a very polite little boy.
If he's in meltdown or just plain overwhelmed and getting angry and violent, the one thing that will always make you giggle, no matter how hard you try not to, is that all the way through he's constantly saying 'sorry' and 'thank you for this time mummy/daddy'. Its not necessarily what he saying but more when and how he's saying it. Sometimes us giggling over what he's said, whilst trying not to get kicked or hit, can actually break him out of his melt down - this doesn't work when he's overwhelmed and just can't process anything more.
H knows how to say please and thank you, he's only 3 years old - does he use them? Nope! I hate it and we try everything we can to encourage him to actually say the words. H uses it when it suits him and not us - but you know he's 3 and as long as he remembers when he goes to school, I can't really argue with it.
So far, you are probably thinking, 'ok this sounds like any kiddo, whats so different?'
Well in my experience, we have been lucky with R and his manners. Not every complex needs kiddo can talk or even comprehend please and thank you. This is because, as with any of us, their brains are wired ever so slightly differently. So what R can master, others may not and vice versa - for example table manners and social interaction.
H can use a knife safely, eat with a fork (even if he prefers his hands) and many other things R just can't seem to grasp for very long. Don't get me wrong here, R can use a knife safely and a fork but his brain just can't grasp how they work together, therefore making cutting up food and using the knife and fork to scoop foods up extremely difficult for him.
This can result in food times being long, drawn out and plain old painful times within our household. Mainly because we refuse to believe that he will not grasp the concepts at all. We trust that with belief that he can do things, he will. A bit like when our doctors told us to expect R to never read, write, attend mainstream schooling and to never be able to play football (and other fast moving games) - He's actually achieving all of these things because we never said he couldn't do them.
Social interaction, though is a completely different beast, and one we struggle immensely with every single day! From simple things like personal space to more complex things like why we don't show, talk and feel our private areas in public. Stranger danger is a concept he can repeat back to anyone who asks - verbatim - but he has no actual understanding of what this means beyond us teaching him. That is to say R understands whilst we explain what stranger danger is and what the problem is with speaking to others we don't know - once we stop speaking, it no longer registers in his brain as a lesson learnt.
So as with any kiddo this is a constant lesson plan for us to teach R (and H as he grows up). The problem with having complex needs is, you never know what sinks in and takes hold - and what doesn't! So if you ever see a parent, with a child who clearly looks old enough to grasp the lessons said parent is telling them (like road dangers for example), please bear in mind that they may have covered this lesson at least a dozen or more times by the point you see them.
Why not pop over and say you see them struggling, that you understand, that they are doing a good job or even ask if they is anything you can do or get to help them. Its a small kindness but one us parents of complex needs kiddos sometimes need - to know others see our struggles but know we are doing our very best for our kiddos.
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