Siblings.....

Ah siblings! No matter if you have a child or children older or younger than your special little star (that's what we call R) sibling love and rivalry is always gonna happen.

I know, every parent has to deal and overcome these things but when you knowingly add another child or children into the mix on top of a complex needs kiddo, it weighs heavily on your mind. Now we got very very lucky when we had H with how close and loving R and H actually are. Even when I had to stay in hospital before H was born, then when he was born 9 weeks early followed by R's 4th birthday 2 days later, he only got a call from mummy that day and it still breaks my heart when I think about how he casually and quietly asked when I was coming home.

Now that H is 3 years old and learning about actually talking for himself (R tends to do his talking lol) R is learning that you can love someone yet get annoyed at them. H is standing up for himself so much more when it comes to R, he used to just follow R everywhere and do exactly what R asked him too.

R gets upset when H pushes him out of his personal space telling R 'no'. Yet I don't often get involved in those little arguments because do you know what? Both of them are learning about personal space and what is and isn't socially acceptable.

Does it always go this way? No!

Sometimes I have to wade in and do some mummy shouting and break them apart, even if they aren't actually fighting but playing. Why? Well their playing involves jumping on sofas and generally doing unacceptable things to our furniture and non toys items.

Then there are times like tonight. Me and hubby are going on one of our extremely rare Date Nights out, H has a cold and R keeps trying to 'make him feel better' - smother him in hugs lol - so R came up with a compromise which I was impressed by (it's a concept we have barely introduced) and this is the result:

Parents evening.....

Yup it's that time of the year when parents all over go to see their kiddos teacher to here how well (or not so well depending on ur kiddo). All over social media, parents are raving about how awesome their son or daughter have done at school and how proud of them they are.

I am, unfortunately, one of those mummies who dread each and every meeting at the school. Do they all turn out a bad as I fear?

No, not all the meetings at school turn out as bad as my fears. The issue arises from several areas - an old school R attended, as mentioned in a previous post, and his complex needs. I am forever aware that R has these issues and how they can affect him in his academic career. Every positive comes with a negative and how to offset these problems.

Does this mean we, as parents, are any less proud of our children?

To me, it's a no brainer! I'm as intensely proud of R as I am of H, and I believe as any other parent is of their children. In some ways, I think parents of children who need that extra bit of help, can actually be prouder of their children. No, not in the bragging way of 'my child is better than yours' but in the fact that every single achievement is a massive step forward.

Let me explain what I mean. With R, it's the fact he got through a whole school day on green (our primary school does a traffic light system), or that he wrote one word without the need for dots to trace, or even that the teachers and headmaster (as his old school did) don't grab us after school to talk about how bad his behaviour has gotten that day. It's the fact that we didn't have to resort to shouting and removal of tech time to get him to change from his uniform into play clothes, or that he willingly entered the shower or didn't fight us when we brushed his teeth.

H is different in the fact that he's 1. Younger than R and 2. Neuro-typical. This means we are proud of having an amazing parents evening report, like those parents on social media extol. Saying that, we have the added bit of how H copes with having a big brother like R. H looks up to R in a way that I don't normally see in other siblings - it's like a cross between sibling love and hero worship. That's not to say they don't fight, because goodness me do they ever fight! It's that, as a younger brother to a complex needs kiddo, H has to learn fast what triggers R into meltdown, how to calm R when mummy and daddy won't do for R and also, and in many many ways the most important way -

H has, and is still learning, that everyone is different. That they all see the world in a slightly different way and that, that is ok. This shows the most when H interacts with other children, of all ages. He's empathic and understanding when someone can't talk, he plays with everyone and adapts to how they process the world around them.

So, you see, you will never see me on social media, after a parents evening extolling how proud and wonderful my sons are because everyday they show me those little amazing things and we tell THEM how proud we are of them for that achievement.

Always remember, our children don't need us to tell others how proud we are of them, they need US to tell THEM of that proudness and love in THEM. So go, give them a hug and tell them right now. They will be surprised and weirded out by it but by doing it everyday they will in turn tell YOU how proud of YOU they are.

Learning as we go....

I found this image on Pinterest this evening, I love Pinterest don't you? It led me to a fab LinkedIn page by #Mari Nosal, author on Amazon of the autistic spectrum


Being a parent to any child is a constant learning journey but add into it ANY extra needs - Autism, ADHD, ADD, speech delays you name it - can make this typical journey so much more of a journey. We still have to achieve the same milestones as any other parent yet still navigate the whirlpool of doctors appointments, specialists, not getting answers, people judging and my worse nightmare of all - being told you are a bad parent!

Yup I have been told this, all because I was sick of constantly saying 'Sorry, he's autistic' whenever a meltdown occurred outside of the house, so had at shirt made that said 'I'm not being naughty I have autism but I'm awesome!' It made it so much easier to explain why we needed a booth and not. Normal table and why he was crying over the fact he had lettuce on his plate and therefore couldn't eat anything on that plate.

My message today is that no matter how low you feel, no matter the judging of others or of yourself - as long as your child is happy (however they show this!), as long as they show you that they love you and want you - know that you are. Being the BEST parent you can b, therefore in my book:

YOU ARE AWESOME!

Before and after school...

Those tricky hours when our darling children are at home and not at school.

I am one of those parents, who love their children beyond anything, BUT can not wait for them to go to school! I know, bad isn't it? Let me explain why.........

When R was growing up, I loved the fact I was there to help him, guide him and be there for every first but as he grew older and no longer needed me as much; he needed other kids his age, I knew I needed to let go.

The same is happening for H, although I'm less keen to let go due to the fact he's my last child. As a complex needs child grows, some need more and more help to achieve integration into today's society. Ones like our R need to learn how to pull themselves back to intergrate into society. Schools are just that environment in which to teach and show them these skills - be that main stream or a special school.

I do not use the term special school to be offensive, but to point out the difference between the 2 types of schooling available to complex needs kiddos. When my boys are at preschool and primary school (yes R attends mainstream), I feel a sense of relief. I do feel bad about that fact, but a fact it's all the same.

Relief because for at least 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, I get that break from them as does hubby when he attends work. I know as parents we shouldn't feel like we need that break from our children but complex needs kiddos are full on. Be they like R and very touchy, active and wanting constant attention or be they like the stereotype of withdrawn, shy and avoidant of touch. They all need our full 100% attention to either calm or to be active; add to that younger siblings who are neuro-typical? Well you try to spilt yourself give each child 100% of your attention at the same time - can't do it can you?

Don't worry, neither can I. We try, oh my goodness do we try, and sometimes we can, as a couple, achieve some semblance of this impossible task. We have a day once a month, when pennies allow that is, where we each have a child and for that day it's just me and R or me and H. They decide what we are doing for that day. I love those days.

But on school days? Phew those few little hours they are home - pure hell! Well it was before hbby stepped up and does the morning routine (thanks to my health deteriorating), and after school? Well R get half hour on either his iPad or Xbox game, never both. He loves it because that becomes his time to wind down from school in a way that means H gets some one on one time without having half a mummy or daddy (the other is playing with R).

Then comes the hell of tea time. You wouldn't think this would be an issue, but it is. R won't eat meat, not a bad thing this but then he won't eat vegetarian food either, or jacket potatoes that are soft and fluffy inside as they feel like mash to him (which he hates). So are go to foods for him are any fish product and chips. Now comes the fun bit - H wants to be like his big brother! So he the same food, although he will try our food as well. They both get a ton of vegetables as well mind you, and H loves his fruit!

After tea, meltdowns happen over bedtime. R doesn't want to go to bed, H bounces off his brother despite being knackered which results in both boys crying! Sigh another night happens. What do you do?!

Well for us bedtime routine works wonders. No not a bath, story and bed but yoga, star lights and adele music. Yup you read that right! The boys do warrior 2, tree, chair, downward dog and zen, or to them surfer, tree, ski, dog and owl. They are calm and easily led to bed where they are tucked in with their star cube lights on and adele's album 25 on as background music. Now R sometimes sleeps on his matteress, and sometimes on his floor - we have learnt to just go with the flow.

Always remember that despite how much a complex needs kiddo frustrates us, angers us, makes us laugh, makes us cry and the other thousands of things they do - they are still just,I've us, they just need to use a different path to get to the same destination.

Birthday parties....

Yes the dreaded party season is on us.

To be honest before September 2015 this was never a concern of ours. R never had invites to his friends parties, apart from family friends kids that is. I always thought this was down to him always preferring older or younger children, and as such didn't get invited because he was either too young or too old for such parties.

Turns out he actually didn't have friends, I know it's a horrible thought, kids played with him at school because it was kind of expected of them. It spiralled from there really, parents were teaching their kids, in front of R, that they couldn't play with him because he had brain damage (which he doesn't I must point out!)

Then we had to move to a different county, several hours away. I wasn't looking forward to it but the school sounded promising, hubby attended when he was a boy, and I was hoping beyond hope that moving meant R would finally find real friends. You guessed it, it didn't happen! He was isolated both in and out of school! Parents and kids judged him and me for how he was and even told him I was to blame for his issues.

Now, saying that there were some fab people in that village and their kids loved R, still do. They were there for us as a family when the poophit the fan when the school didn't get the outcome they, or we, wanted from the new Educational Health Care Plan (statement).

Move forward 18 months from first moving into the county and we finally get offered a council house in a new 'village'. I use village loosely because our new place is huge, if it had a small shopping center it would be classed as a town lol. The house is better for us all, the school is AMAZING.

The kids have taken to having R and all his issues, into their fold and now we feel like we have a party every month! Now the downside to this minor miracle - yes there is one! Think sugar, lack of routine and mixing neuro-typical children with our R, and you get a hyped up, bouncing of the walls little boy. Adding to that he isn't aware of what he's doing, a shouting mummy because he's winding everyone around him up and so not listening to a single word I'm saying to him = a massive bedtime meltdown, even whilst he continues with his normal nightly routine.

If it wouldn't have wound him, and me, up further, I would have giggled at the picture he made - sobbing his heart out, screaming at me that I'm a pig and he was gonna hurt me, whilst contorting his long gangly body into yoga poses. Once he was finished with the deep breathing pose, he came over said sorry giving me a huge cuddles and a kiss. I explained to him, now he was calm, why I felt and acted the way I did and said I was sorry too. I love you was shared and finally he went to bed calmer.

This could have been worse than it was to be honest, and it has been violent before we introduced the bedtime yoga. The unfortunate side affect of all of this going on, is little H wants to do the same as his big brother, and hates that he can't behave the same and get these me treatment.

That in itself is another post for another time - how raising a neuro-typical kiddo alongside a complex needs kiddo = a very interesting but frustrating life 😀❤️