I have to admit, this is a pet peeve of mine. I was brought up with the ethos of 'Manners don't cost you anything' and its an ethos i am drilling into my boys.
Now, I thought with R the hardest part would be to get him to remember to say please and thank you - it hasn't been! He took to those words very very quickly from about 2-3 years old, and I kept getting told I was too strict with him over it and that he was a very polite little boy.
If he's in meltdown or just plain overwhelmed and getting angry and violent, the one thing that will always make you giggle, no matter how hard you try not to, is that all the way through he's constantly saying 'sorry' and 'thank you for this time mummy/daddy'. Its not necessarily what he saying but more when and how he's saying it. Sometimes us giggling over what he's said, whilst trying not to get kicked or hit, can actually break him out of his melt down - this doesn't work when he's overwhelmed and just can't process anything more.
H knows how to say please and thank you, he's only 3 years old - does he use them? Nope! I hate it and we try everything we can to encourage him to actually say the words. H uses it when it suits him and not us - but you know he's 3 and as long as he remembers when he goes to school, I can't really argue with it.
So far, you are probably thinking, 'ok this sounds like any kiddo, whats so different?'
Well in my experience, we have been lucky with R and his manners. Not every complex needs kiddo can talk or even comprehend please and thank you. This is because, as with any of us, their brains are wired ever so slightly differently. So what R can master, others may not and vice versa - for example table manners and social interaction.
H can use a knife safely, eat with a fork (even if he prefers his hands) and many other things R just can't seem to grasp for very long. Don't get me wrong here, R can use a knife safely and a fork but his brain just can't grasp how they work together, therefore making cutting up food and using the knife and fork to scoop foods up extremely difficult for him.
This can result in food times being long, drawn out and plain old painful times within our household. Mainly because we refuse to believe that he will not grasp the concepts at all. We trust that with belief that he can do things, he will. A bit like when our doctors told us to expect R to never read, write, attend mainstream schooling and to never be able to play football (and other fast moving games) - He's actually achieving all of these things because we never said he couldn't do them.
Social interaction, though is a completely different beast, and one we struggle immensely with every single day! From simple things like personal space to more complex things like why we don't show, talk and feel our private areas in public. Stranger danger is a concept he can repeat back to anyone who asks - verbatim - but he has no actual understanding of what this means beyond us teaching him. That is to say R understands whilst we explain what stranger danger is and what the problem is with speaking to others we don't know - once we stop speaking, it no longer registers in his brain as a lesson learnt.
So as with any kiddo this is a constant lesson plan for us to teach R (and H as he grows up). The problem with having complex needs is, you never know what sinks in and takes hold - and what doesn't! So if you ever see a parent, with a child who clearly looks old enough to grasp the lessons said parent is telling them (like road dangers for example), please bear in mind that they may have covered this lesson at least a dozen or more times by the point you see them.
Why not pop over and say you see them struggling, that you understand, that they are doing a good job or even ask if they is anything you can do or get to help them. Its a small kindness but one us parents of complex needs kiddos sometimes need - to know others see our struggles but know we are doing our very best for our kiddos.
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