Guilt.....

Firstly, I have spent days thinking about which topic was best for this post (there are a lot!). Then after reading another bloggers post about a mothers guilt over premature birth, the topic of guilt was the best thing to post for you all. (www.anordinarymummy.wordpress.com)

Every parent feels guilt, it's essentially what being a parent is about. It's gritty, it's hard work and it clings to everything (a bit like baby poop!). I, myself, hold guilt to this day over how both my pregnancies and subsequent premature births went. Could I have changed things? Done something or not done something? Why did I have to get pre eclampsia or fatty liver of pregnancy? Why did I feel relief to leave my baby at hospital? Does that make me a bad mummy?

The answers - no! It's been a long fight to believe that answer and sometimes I still believe it was my fault.

The same feelings of guilt plague those of us with complex needs kiddos, even if they were born at the stereotypical times and ways. We sit here thinking 'Was it something I did during pregnancy?'. It's a guilt that hovers in the background until our kiddos struggle with something that, someone else's neuro-typical kiddo can grasp easily. It's deep and dark and we hide it behind our faith in medical professionals, behind the fight with schools and the cost of equipment.

Our ability to stand up for our kiddos against everyone who doesn't see them as they are, stems from this guilt we carry I believe. Not just us mummies but daddies too.

Daddies, sometimes the unsung heroes in my mind, carry just as much guilt (if not more) as us mummies. That isn't to say us mums have it easier or that our guilt isn't as real or heavy as the dads; it's saying that for dads, they enact their guilt in different ways and, yes, sometimes it can be worse than what we mums deal with.

Don't forget, 99% of the dads work full time, come home to take on the roll of daddy, help with bed time (well hubby does bedtime here) and, like with us, does the housework too before taking time for themselves. Not all dads do this and some even do more, but the fact is their guilt will mainly stem from not being around as much, not helping more during pregnancy, not getting that ice cream you were craving at 2am during week 13 of pregnancy. Does that then make it their fault our kiddos have the issues they do?

NO it doesn't! It makes them as human and as faultless as us! Our joint guilty feelings are the reason why we fight so hard, through so much for our kiddos; no matter what the hurdles!

Now, remember, I am only writing from the only point of views I have - mine and hubby's! I know that out there in the world, there are parents who are to blame for their kiddos problems(whatever they are) and that some don't even care about their kiddos. Yet I choose to believe that if you are reading my blog (even if some of my posts aren't all that awesome at times); that you are following the same sort of path as I am and as such, you aren't one of the parents who doesn't care.

Now, do I still blame myself for all the things R has to overcome? Even though, compared to H (who was 9 weeks early), he wasn't really all that early at 35 weeks gestation?

Yes I do still blame myself. He was my first pregnancy and I thought all those programmes I had watched from 16 years old, prepared me for everything; that I was super mum! Erm, sorry but I wasn't! I ignored pain signals when I should have listened and my birth plan - well was plain stupid when I look back; didn't want epidural because of the size of the needle, needless to say I had the epidural.

Some of my guilt has subsided over time, as we travel this journey together. Especially this week (half term), when R self regualted his sensory needs and after I read an article about autism. I do not know how valid the article was but it definitely helped me let go of some of my guilt. It was about a study being done that showed autism starts in the womb as the brain develops. It stated something along the lines of, even if no problems arose during pregnancy, this development of the brain can occur.

So, for those of us with autistic kiddos - there was nothing we could have done to stop what happened. With that I am going to leave you with my hubby's view of SEN or complex needs -

"There are no complex needs, just adults who think kids who just see the world differently, have extra needs than is seen to be normal. Those who have been told they have complex needs, whatever they may be, are just the next evolution of humankind. We are trying to stop that evolution by trying to make them fit into our mould. Let them show the world how amazing they are and the world we live in."